Note: Contained below is a short synopsis of the leaked script. If you believe that this could hold any bearing on the finalized script and wish to remain spoiler free for the next two years, then I advise you not to read this article (and probably not to be online for a while). The website is not responsible if you don’t heed this warning. There! Warnings issued. I tried to save you.
You all may remember back in March of this year when we found out the horror that was Michael Bay producing the new TMNT movie. I even did a rant editorial about it: http://ajsessions.mypockybox.com/2012/03/mako-chans-take-on-the-bay-tmnt-reboot/ (Yes shameless plug of old work!)
Now we get something new to cringe and rant about. It seems a copy of the script was leaked online. It was released by one random website (which will remain unnamed) and then reviewed. Very shortly after that they claim that they received a Cease and Desist order from Paramount forcing them to remove the script, complete with pretty letter being put on the site and everything.
Cue other websites taking off with this. It’s become a crazy epidemic. Everyone MUST find this script and read it! And then, the horror that they have after reading it, the sheer volume of hate being heaped upon Michael Bay for the terror that is this script…that he didn’t write.
That’s correct. All this pure hate for the vial travesty that is a script, that the man everyone is hating on didn’t even write.
Now, according to Bay on his webpage, the script itself is something that was written well before he was brought onto the project, the idea having been “shredded” long before he had even gotten a chance to look at it. However, according to the PDF file, the script date is January of this year and titled “The Blue Door.” This script is said to have been written by Josh Appelbaum and Andre Nemec. Now, Appelbaum has been writing for movies and TV shows since the late 90’s while Nemec has been writing just as long, but has been in the industry since the early 90’s. These two people should know exactly how a script is supposed to be written, and since this script is just THAT horrible, it leads me to believe that it was written as some prepubescent boy’s wet dream, sorta like the male version of Twilight.
While the main plot is interesting, bringing in classic characters from the series, Bebop, Rocksteady, and Krang as the major boss, and even bringing in concepts like the Technodrome, there are just too many “WTF” moments to deal with. The most glaring is that instead of the Turtles fighting the ninja clan of The Foot, they are fighting a military group. Now, the Foot, as simple soldiers need a commander, and that commander is Colonel Schrader. Yes, you read that correctly.
Now you may be asking yourself, “Self, what about the whole thing that started this problem, the fact that Bay claimed the Turtles to be aliens?” Well Self, you’ll be happy to know that they aren’t. Instead they’re dimension hoppers. Yep, not only are the four brothers from Dimension X but so is Splinter, and he lied to them for the last 17 years, telling the boys that they were freaks of nature that mutated from Ooze. Oh, but not only were they interdimensional travelers, but so are Bebop and Rocksteady. Oh but that’s not all, so is our dear Schrader! Yep, so not aliens!
Now, what about our human element, the people we always wished we were? April and Casey are 18 years old, an ex-couple, and have none of that awesomeness about them! Casey is the first to meet the Turtles, helps to rescue them in fact. He’s a hockey player for a local town team by day, and a security guard at a furniture factory by night. April works for CBS, but if she’s that young, what could she possibly do at a TV station? That’s right; she’s an unpaid intern, which translates to Gopher.
And in the end, when the Turtles find out that they are destined to stop the evil Dark Lord with the power of Love, all is happy. And yes, you read that correctly, I’m not just pulling Harry Potter out for no reason. They were prophesized, at birth, that they would be able to defeat Krang, and restore peace to Dimension X. And when they asked Splinter, the wise old wizard, I mean Ninja Rat, how they would be able to do this, he says “The way you’ve always done things, by each other’s side”. Yep… The bond of brotherhood and love.
Did I mention this sounded like some horrible fanfiction gone wrong?
To make matters worse, which surprisingly isn’t hard, there is so much extra descriptive sarcasm it gets annoying. By that I want you to look at the previous sentence. See the addition of sarcastic remark between commas to make my sentence sound that much more powerful? Yeah, that’s actually included in the scene settings of the script. ”The turtles brace themselves for round two (or is it round 12 by now?)” See that right there. That’s sarcastic commentary in a scene description. “Cab, trailer, Casey, the whole magilla HANGS WEIGHTLESS FOR A MOMENT before crashing back to Earth.” Why do I need that in my scene description?! Also, it seems that whoever actually wrote this is not exactly up on slang terms. Glaring at someone as if you want to beat the crap out of them is not eyefucking someone, and yet, Casey got eyefucked by a hockey player, and Leo eyefucked Raph. Yes, that is correct. Score one for the incest slash writers! Eww.
Just about everything in this script is stolen from something else, and unfortunately you see a whole hell of a lot of transformer influence. Jokes about Kung Fu Panda, scenes stolen directly from previous turtles movies (in one part, the scene description states ‘and something we haven’t seen yet’ as Raph uses himself as a bowling ball and knocks Foot soldiers down like bowling pins), and a line twisted from Jaws. (“We’re gonna need a bigger squad.” after being tossed back from something huge in a metal cage.)
All in all, real or faked, I’m happy that Bay has said this script was scrapped. The ideas are sound, but the execution is so off that there would be no forgiveness if this made it on the screen. I wish I had the ability to burn out the cells in my brain that this memory is stored in, because trust me, it’s just that bad.